One of my favorite blogs Young House Love wrote an honest and helpful post on Dealing With Criticism the other day. While I’m one of their long time loyal fans, I found this last one so inspiring simply because of how applicable their post was to not just blogging, or even writing, but life itself.
How often do you crumble to the ground when you receive negative feedback?
Being a writer takes guts. It takes courage to write your thoughts on paper and then an extraordinary amount of resilience to brace yourself when the crap comes. Because it will. If you’re good and your words are read by many people, then you will spark good and tear worthy comments. It’s the risk you take when you open yourself up as a writer.
The question is, “How do you deal with it?”
I’ve learned a lot of lessons in the 5 years I’ve been self-employed. I’ve learned that what seems good isn’t always so good and what initially appears to be bad isn’t so bad after all.
It’s Usually Not About You
One of the most important things I learned in social media is that negative comments (I mean truly negative not just constructive criticism) usually comes from a place of disappointment, grief, jealousy, etc.). In other words, it has nothing to do with you.
Over the last year or so that I’ve worked in social media, I’ve had a handful of people criticize my thoughts, opinions, questions, etc. Not just with statements like, “I don’t like this or I don’t like that,” but like, “what the heck is this and is there a real person writing this?” sentiments. Shame-worthy stuff. Although my initial reaction is to want to melt into the pavement like the Wicked Witch of the West, I’ve learned to suck it up. Not just take it, but respond to it with compassion and grace.
The amazing thing is that every time I’ve responded this way, I’ve gotten a, “I’m so sorry. I was having a bad day. I lost someone I loved…” Or I realized that it wasn’t something I said or did, but that individuals felt bad about themselves or were upset and something I said triggered something in them. Most times they wanted to feel heard, validated, understood.
While I can’t say this is always the case, it has definitely helped me to rise about petty comments and potentially offensive remarks. I hope you realize this too. The next time someone writes a snide comment on your blog or emails you with a hurtful response to an article or tells you that you’re a bad writer to your face (this really happened to me by the way), remember that their rude responses may have nothing to do with you or your work.
And then just keep writing.
My dad gave me advice once as a young adult. When I was upset that untrue rumors were being spread about me, he said, “You must be popular then. They only talk about the popular people.” I’d say that same advice applies to your writing.
Got a negative comment? Well you must be popular then. =)
Very true: “You must be popular then. They only talk about the popular people.”
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks so. Thanks for the comment Crystal! =)
Brandi-Ann, you’ve certainly rung true here. I love the comic, and I thoroughly agree with your closing comment also. As a lover of words, I hear a complaint from time to time that I’m “too wordy.” I suspect that comes from a lack of understanding of the words that I use…in other words, I shrug it off.
Thanks George! I hear that complaint a lot too. And I actually wrote about it my December article for The Writer (http://www.writermag.com/Columns/Inspiration%20Zone/2011/12/Resolve%20to%20write%20better%20and%20smarter.aspx).
I think it’s also important to differentiate between constructive and purely negative criticism. If an editor, for example, thinks my text is too wordy then I’m more apt to consider changing it. If on the other hand, people are upset about an opinion I have or the topic of an article I wrote, I might listen, but then take it with a grain of salt. Obviously you can’t please everybody and that applies particularly with the internet. Thanks for your comment!
This is a thought-provoking and honest post. There, see, some folks online say nice things! I know what you mean, and since you mention it in the context of social media, there’s little question that people can be far more blunt–okay, let’s say cruel–online. Of course, anonymity is used frequently there as well. It sounds like you’re learning how to take such nonsense in stride, which is great. I agree with Crystal, the advice from your dad is sound.
Aw thanks Patrick! How did you know I needed to hear that? =) You bring up a good point. I do think that being anonymous makes it easier to be blunt. Having said that, I have also had at least one person tell me to my face that I was a bad writer. It was a funny story actually. That person was my teacher. Right after he said that, I got called away from class because I won a journalism award for my writing. I always remember that when I get unfair feedback. Writing is subjective and people will have vastly different opinions of your work so the best thing is to just write from your heart and try as hard as you can not to let the negative get to you.
You sure showed that teacher! 🙂
Great post, Brandi. This is why you’re in my feed. You’re always so inspiring. The walk a mile in my shoes philosophy is one I try to adhere to. You never know what another person is going through.
I recently read a post by a colleague that a reader took great offense to and blasted her for it. While I understood where the reader was coming from and he laid out his reasons why he was disappointed in the post, what struck me was the calm, one-line apology from the blogger that she was sorry he was disappointed in the post. It validated his feelings without compromising her own.
There is a certain feel of anonymity to the internet even when people put their names on comments. I am constantly amazed how some respond.I figure I have enough of my own issues without taking on the insecurities of others. 🙂
Thanks for another great post, Brandi.
Aw I really appreciate you saying that Cathy! And I loved that story. It’s kind of funny because I had the same thing happen to me recently. And hope that my comment had the same effect that your colleague’s comment did. I also appreciate your attitude and will keep this in my positive file: “I figure I have enough of my own issues without taking on the insecurities of others.” Beautifully said!